Cracking The Adult Friendship Code: Insights From Tooni’s Story

In a world that often feels increasingly isolated, the power of human connection shines brighter than ever. We crave genuine bonds that nourish our souls and provide a sense of belonging. Amidst the hustle and bustle of modern life, cultivating deep friendships can be a challenge.

Today, we’re diving into the heart of friendship with Tooni Agbaje, a young woman gracefully cultivating deep friendships, inspite of the challenge. Her journey offers valuable insights into building and maintaining meaningful connections.

Meet Tooni Agbaje

CEO Tulips and Lilies Confectionery and Dr Ademola Agbaje’s Wife

The Journey to Building Fruitful and Healthy Friendships

It’s been a journey, especially because I started being intentional about friendship as an adult. While growing up, I didn’t understand what friendship was. I lost a lot of friendships along the way because I wasn’t intentional.

I had friends at specific times in my life that I am not even in touch with anymore. And even though it’s okay not to remain friends with all your childhood friends, I felt like I would have kept some of them if I knew about the power of intentionality in cultivating meaningful friendships.

Thankfully, I have now learned my lesson. I am a late bloomer, but when you know better you do better right? So I started becoming intentional about my friendships much later in life. It’s generally harder to build friendships at that age. But what I have done is to be more intentional about taking time to be there for my friends instead of just leaving things to chance. I am very very deliberate about my friendships.

It’s not as if I have a strategy but if I want you in my life, I get really intentional about you. I am intentional about celebrating your wins, being there when you are down, going above and beyond. I am putting my resources into this friendship, and I am not taking anything for granted.

Also, I feel like there’s an advantage to building friendships at an older age. You have a better understanding of yourself.  You know who you are so it’s easier to find people that fit into that sense of who you are and you get to connect with solid people.

I think those are the things I have done to build fruitful and healthy female friendships. In the past, I know that if a friend offends me, I am ghosting the person. But not anymore. Now, we are having deep conversations, I am calling you out and I am discussing with you. 

Handling Conflicts In Friendships

Thankfully, I haven’t had to consistently handle conflicts in my friendships. But there have been situations whereby a friend has done something that wasn’t exactly okay with me and I have had to extend grace.

We’re all adults. So we can’t change the way people are. People will sometimes do things differently and that’s when I extend grace.

The important thing is to agree on deep values and then make room for individual differences. You really have to overlook the minor things that shouldn’t measure up to conflicts.

But when conflict does happen, communication is key to resolving issues. You don’t want to wake up one day, years down the line and realize you no longer talk to someone over an issue that could have been addressed promptly.

Saying Goodbye To a Friendship Relationship

I have had many experiences with saying goodbye to a friendship relationship. Even really painful ones. 

I remember losing a friend because of a conflict I had with her. I had an issue with her and expected her to do better. I didn’t have a conversation with her but just shut down the friendship.

Looking back, I would have acted differently and had a conversation with her. By the time I knew better, it was too late. We were in different seasons, and there wasn’t a touch point. 

I also should mention here that the need to redefine relationships as one goes along in their friendship journeys is valid. You can sometimes realize that your values no longer align and it is okay to say goodbye, perhaps for a while.

As you evolve and even grow in your relationship with Christ, it is possible for your core values to evolve as well. This evolution requires a redefining of the degree of closeness and the impact you have with people in your life. 

Sometimes, a total goodbye would be needed. So saying goodbye doesn’t have to stem from conflict. You can say goodbye without being enemies or burning bridges and that’s totally okay.

Tips For Building Thriving Friendships

I find that there are three things that have helped me build thriving friendships:

The first is commitment. I try as much as possible to be intentional about my friends and create time. Sometimes, I would remember I have not spoken to a person in a while and go “Let me set up a time to talk” or I would take out time to send a text message. Creating time to connect is one of the things I do. 

Second, I also ensure that I am as vulnerable as possible. I don’t just want to be there for people, I also want to give people the opportunity to be there for me. But that was really difficult. I grew up really independent.  So I had to learn vulnerability, how to invite people into my space, how to share with people. That is also really important. 

The last thing is, investing in my friends. I can take a friend out on a date, buy that I-am-just-thinking-of-you gift. So get expressive when they expect you to be, gas your friends up. Be there for them, be that one person that is cheering them on. Be that one person that is telling them they can do it.

Be a constant voice of encouragement, telling them to go for it. Celebrate them when you can, right now, right here. Don’t wait till they are forty, don’t wait till their fiftieth birthday. Don’t wait till they have kids, don’t wait till they get married. Just be there consistently and constantly.

Advice For People Who Struggle With Building Meaningful Connections 

There was a time in my life when I never thought I would have friends. Although I struggled with connecting with people, in my heart. I really desired sisterhood. I am an introvert to the core so many people felt I was a snob. 

First, to meaningfully connect with another person, you have to come to a place where you are first comfortable with receiving love. I had to come to this place myself. I was used to giving love, but wasn’t comfortable with receiving love. 

I realized I had a deep-rooted issue with accepting love. It wasn’t until I understood the magnitude of God’s love for me—a love earned not by my actions but by Jesus’ sacrifice—that I could truly believe I was worthy of being loved by the people God was bringing into my life. This shift in perspective was a game-changer. It helped me break free from the mindset that I wasn’t worthy of love and affection.

I want to encourage you to also receive the love of the Father. This will make it easier for you to connect with people. Being able to receive love is important because sisterhood and deep friendships go beyond only taking and taking or giving and giving. It is a two-way relationship. You need to be able to give and receive.

So come to that place of identity where you say, I am enough, worthy to receive love and to give love because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross.

When that was settled for me, I went ahead to set my values. It was then easy to see people around me that had the same values as me. It was as if there was this glory of God that was shining through me, it gave me confidence. Building friendships was awkward at first. But I took the bold step to be closer and step by step, a friendship blossomed. 

I’ll conclude by saying it’s okay to love and it is okay to be loved but ultimately the love of the Father settles all inner struggles. When you are deeply rooted in that identity every other thing falls in place. Thank you.

It’s okay to love and it is okay to be loved but ultimately the love of the Father settles all inner struggles. When you are deeply rooted in that identity every other thing falls in place. – Tooni Agbaje

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Thank you for reading this blog post. We want to invite you to aim for building meaning connections in your own life. Are you preparing for Sycamore Getaway? Plan to meet new people! Will you be onsite for Mega Funday Sunday? Make new friends! Have fun!

Interview by Lolade Folorunso, Osham Ndubisi and Oluwadabira Madariola

Lolade, Osham and Oluwadabira serve with the Content Team at Sycamore Church 

(Blogposts are creative expressions generously provided for Sycamore Church. The ideas and thoughts do not necessarily represent the position of Sycamore Church)